What Our "Customers" Say
Totally made-up testimonials from fictional fans we invented.
"Finally, a product that matches my expectations for the season."
Disappointed Dan
Cleveland Casualty
"Wore this to my fantasy draft. Won the respect of my league. Lost everything else."
Suffering Steve
New York Nobody
"My therapist recommended this. Insurance covered it."
Hopeless Hannah
Detroit Devotee
"Bought one for me and one for my dad. It's hereditary."
Broken Brad
Seattle Survivor
"I've never felt more seen. Or hidden. Both, really."
Weeping Wendy
New York Native
"The bag arrived faster than our playoff hopes disappeared."
Tragic Tony
Cincinnati Savior
"Wore it to a game. Three strangers hugged me. We all cried."
Miserable Mike
San Diego Sufferer
"My wife left me. She took the dog. She left the bag. She understood."
Crushed Chris
Washington Warrior
"It pairs well with my tears and lukewarm stadium beer."
Devastated Diane
Sacramento Sadness
"Finally found gear that matches my fantasy football record: 0-13."
Tortured Tim
Chicago Chosen
"I've been hurt before. But never like this. Until next Sunday."
Anguished Andy
Jacksonville Journeyman
"Wore it to Thanksgiving. My family finally understood."
Pained Paula
Houston Hopeful
"The bag is waterproof. Important for all the crying."
Sobbing Sam
Miami Masochist
"Matches my jersey. And my soul. Both are faded."
Defeated Derek
Arizona Agonizer
"Bet on my team. Lost. Bet on the bag. Won."
Lamenting Larry
Las Vegas Loser
"High altitude. Low expectations. Perfect fit."
Wrecked Rachel
Denver Diehard
"Returned my jersey. Kept the bag. Better investment."
Shattered Shane
Carolina Crier
"Used to have hope. Now I have this bag. Upgrade."
Grieving Greg
Tampa Tortured
"Steel city, paper bag. The irony isn't lost on me."
Mourning Megan
Pittsburgh Pessimist
"Crab cakes and crushing disappointment. Now with a bag."
Hurting Henry
Baltimore Believer
"Four times. FOUR TIMES. This bag gets it."
Crying Carl
Buffalo Broken
"Threw batteries at my TV. Threw money at this bag. No regrets."
Bleeding Betty
Philadelphia Fighter
"America's Team. America's Disappointment. America's Bag."
Traumatized Tara
Dallas Dreamer
"Cheese head? More like shame head now."
Wounded Walter
Green Bay Griever
"We've been close so many times. But close doesn't need a bag."
Aching Alice
Minnesota Mourner
"Can't sleep after games. The bag helps with the dark circles."
Dejected Dave
Indianapolis Insomniac
"One yard short. Lifetime of shame. Perfect product."
Ruined Rick
Tennessee Tragedy
"We invented this look. Glad someone made it official."
Suffering Sally
New Orleans Native
"28-3. That's it. That's the review."
Beaten Bob
Atlanta Agonist
"Two teams and still nothing. Double bag, maybe?"
Crushed Carla
Los Angeles Loner
"They took my team. They can't take my shame."
Hollow Harry
Oakland Original
"Lost our team twice. This bag is forever."
Gutted Gina
St. Louis Survivor
"Tech money can't buy wins. But it bought this bag."
Wailing Wayne
San Francisco Sad
"We're good now but the trauma remains. Bag stays."
Numb Nancy
Kansas City Keeper
"We win sometimes. The bag reminds me of the dark years."
Scarred Scott
Boston Brokenhearted
"No team, just anticipatory shame. I'm prepared."
Tormented Tina
Portland Pessimist
"Expansion team of my heart. Expansion bag for my face."
Despairing Doug
Charlotte Crier
"Country music and crushing defeats. The bag completes the look."
Fractured Fred
Nashville Nihilist
"It's hot here. My hopes are cold. Bag is perfect temperature."
Melting Molly
Phoenix Phantom
"The mountains are tall. Our championship hopes are not."
Spiraling Spencer
Salt Lake Sufferer
"Cheese curds and choked leads. Hand me the bag."
Crumbling Cathy
Milwaukee Martyr
"Ohio sports. That's it. That's the whole review."
Imploding Ivan
Columbus Crushed
"Theme parks and broken dreams. Bag included."
Sinking Simon
Orlando Outcast
"It rains here. Mostly from my eyes during games."
Drowning Dana
Seattle Sorrow
"Blues music. Blue mood. Brown bag."
Fading Frank
Memphis Misery
"Thunder? More like a light drizzle of sadness."
Collapsing Connie
Oklahoma Orphan
"They left us. The bag stays. Unlike our teams."
Evaporating Earl
Brooklyn Bummer
"No team yet. Pre-ordering shame in advance."
Dissolving Donna
Austin Awaiting
"Bunch of jerks? Bunch of tears. Bag please."
Vanishing Vic
Raleigh Rejected
"Happiest place on earth? Not during the season."
Eroding Emma
Anaheim Anguished
"Finally, a product that matches my expectations for the season."
Disappointed Dan
Cleveland Casualty
"Wore this to my fantasy draft. Won the respect of my league. Lost everything else."
Suffering Steve
New York Nobody
"My therapist recommended this. Insurance covered it."
Hopeless Hannah
Detroit Devotee
"Bought one for me and one for my dad. It's hereditary."
Broken Brad
Seattle Survivor
"I've never felt more seen. Or hidden. Both, really."
Weeping Wendy
New York Native
"The bag arrived faster than our playoff hopes disappeared."
Tragic Tony
Cincinnati Savior
"Wore it to a game. Three strangers hugged me. We all cried."
Miserable Mike
San Diego Sufferer
"My wife left me. She took the dog. She left the bag. She understood."
Crushed Chris
Washington Warrior
"It pairs well with my tears and lukewarm stadium beer."
Devastated Diane
Sacramento Sadness
"Finally found gear that matches my fantasy football record: 0-13."
Tortured Tim
Chicago Chosen
"I've been hurt before. But never like this. Until next Sunday."
Anguished Andy
Jacksonville Journeyman
"Wore it to Thanksgiving. My family finally understood."
Pained Paula
Houston Hopeful
"The bag is waterproof. Important for all the crying."
Sobbing Sam
Miami Masochist
"Matches my jersey. And my soul. Both are faded."
Defeated Derek
Arizona Agonizer
"Bet on my team. Lost. Bet on the bag. Won."
Lamenting Larry
Las Vegas Loser
"High altitude. Low expectations. Perfect fit."
Wrecked Rachel
Denver Diehard
"Returned my jersey. Kept the bag. Better investment."
Shattered Shane
Carolina Crier
"Used to have hope. Now I have this bag. Upgrade."
Grieving Greg
Tampa Tortured
"Steel city, paper bag. The irony isn't lost on me."
Mourning Megan
Pittsburgh Pessimist
"Crab cakes and crushing disappointment. Now with a bag."
Hurting Henry
Baltimore Believer
"Four times. FOUR TIMES. This bag gets it."
Crying Carl
Buffalo Broken
"Threw batteries at my TV. Threw money at this bag. No regrets."
Bleeding Betty
Philadelphia Fighter
"America's Team. America's Disappointment. America's Bag."
Traumatized Tara
Dallas Dreamer
"Cheese head? More like shame head now."
Wounded Walter
Green Bay Griever
"We've been close so many times. But close doesn't need a bag."
Aching Alice
Minnesota Mourner
"Can't sleep after games. The bag helps with the dark circles."
Dejected Dave
Indianapolis Insomniac
"One yard short. Lifetime of shame. Perfect product."
Ruined Rick
Tennessee Tragedy
"We invented this look. Glad someone made it official."
Suffering Sally
New Orleans Native
"28-3. That's it. That's the review."
Beaten Bob
Atlanta Agonist
"Two teams and still nothing. Double bag, maybe?"
Crushed Carla
Los Angeles Loner
"They took my team. They can't take my shame."
Hollow Harry
Oakland Original
"Lost our team twice. This bag is forever."
Gutted Gina
St. Louis Survivor
"Tech money can't buy wins. But it bought this bag."
Wailing Wayne
San Francisco Sad
"We're good now but the trauma remains. Bag stays."
Numb Nancy
Kansas City Keeper
"We win sometimes. The bag reminds me of the dark years."
Scarred Scott
Boston Brokenhearted
"No team, just anticipatory shame. I'm prepared."
Tormented Tina
Portland Pessimist
"Expansion team of my heart. Expansion bag for my face."
Despairing Doug
Charlotte Crier
"Country music and crushing defeats. The bag completes the look."
Fractured Fred
Nashville Nihilist
"It's hot here. My hopes are cold. Bag is perfect temperature."
Melting Molly
Phoenix Phantom
"The mountains are tall. Our championship hopes are not."
Spiraling Spencer
Salt Lake Sufferer
"Cheese curds and choked leads. Hand me the bag."
Crumbling Cathy
Milwaukee Martyr
"Ohio sports. That's it. That's the whole review."
Imploding Ivan
Columbus Crushed
"Theme parks and broken dreams. Bag included."
Sinking Simon
Orlando Outcast
"It rains here. Mostly from my eyes during games."
Drowning Dana
Seattle Sorrow
"Blues music. Blue mood. Brown bag."
Fading Frank
Memphis Misery
"Thunder? More like a light drizzle of sadness."
Collapsing Connie
Oklahoma Orphan
"They left us. The bag stays. Unlike our teams."
Evaporating Earl
Brooklyn Bummer
"No team yet. Pre-ordering shame in advance."
Dissolving Donna
Austin Awaiting
"Bunch of jerks? Bunch of tears. Bag please."
Vanishing Vic
Raleigh Rejected
"Happiest place on earth? Not during the season."
Eroding Emma
Anaheim Anguished
* These reviews are 100% fabricated by our marketing team (who are also fans of bad teams). Any resemblance to actual customer experiences is purely coincidental and honestly, kind of sad. No refunds for emotional damage.
